So, You are taking a cat into Your house. Are You prepared? Do You really know what You might be getting, instead of just a cute pet? Let me reveal You the secrets... As we, the Cats, are a lot more than just pets. We work well in the following functions. Remember, all functions do not necessary come with one cat, so You might need a second...or third... just to cover up all the basic functions. I know I miss few of the important functions from my list, but we might come back to those in later guides.
Alarm clock
It is 4:30am and cat is hungry. Time to wake up the humanslave for giving food for the poor, starving cat. Slowly the cat approaces its humanslave and goes next to the ear. Takes a deep breath and then lets out one, loud MEOW. The humanslave is awaken.
This also works by dropping random things on the head of the humanslave or biting a toe, or using one claw to poke the face of the humanslave. You will never be late from work because of oversleeping!
 |
| Mr.Elb the alarmclock has been activated "Wakie Wakie, rise and shine (and feed me!)" |
Hortonomist
Every cat has a little hortonomist inside them. We'll help you to take care of your beloved flowers. We'll talk to them, we shape their leaves, we even can take them for a walk to see new places. Your plants and flowers have never been taken care so well than after we get our paws on them.
And we even can make sure that the babyplants get all the love they need!
 |
| Lilith The Hortonomist checking the condition of the roots of a flowerfriend |
MasterChef
Every cat has a little masterchef inside them. We like to participate in cooking from the beginning to the end, and with our gentle paws we make the most delicious dinners and treats for you.
So next time your cat wants to participate to cooking, let him! Cat hair works as an excellent spice in the food!
 |
| Lilith the Masterchef baking buns |
ScreenBlocker (tm)
When you think its time to enjoy your favorite game on the PC or watch the new movie from TV, it is time for ScreenBlocker (tm) to enter and make sure, you are not spending your valuable freetime (that you could use for patting and caressing your cat) on such unnecessary activities.
 |
| Screenblocker(tm) Lilith has been activated. |
Papershredder
Every household needs a papershredder to get easily rid of your personal papers (and toiletpapers). Papershredder is also easy to use, just leave your papers on easily accessible place, and you''ll see the shredder results soon.
 |
| Papershredder NanoSurgat in action. Note the Supervisor Lilith on the top part of the picture. |
Interior Designer
You think your apartment looks boring? No worries, just take a cat, and soon you'll live in modernly designed home! Lacecurtains made by hanging on the curtains, art from pawprints in your apartment and carefully placed throwups add for the design. And if you are adventurous person, your cat can create for you a feeling of jungle by dragging your flowers to other places.
 |
| NanoSurgat making lace curtains |
Extra blanket
At winter it can get cold, and what would be better way to heat up, than under a kittyblanket? The kittyblanket works also during hot summer weeks and does not really care are you feeling hot or not. Often kittyblanket also places its behind right infront of your face, so you would know that you are safely sleeping under kittyblanket.
 |
| In this picture KittyBlanket is just installing and making sure the human will not move by rubbing her head against the nose and mouth of the human (and slowly sufficating the human). |
MotherHenCat (tm)
It is often hard to get your babyplants to grow... they require warmth, love and care... So, MotherHen Cat(tm) can solve this issue. Just place your valuable babyplants in appropriate sized container and let the MotherHenCat (tm) go into action by laying down on top of them. You'll never get more loved plants otherwise!
 |
| Agares taking care of our tomatoplants... |
Plastic bag Decorator
Are you bored of all those similiar plastic bags? Everyone is having the same looking bags. Now your prayers have been answered and your own cat can redecorate the bags to be suitable for using them again in public. Look at those pretty designer holes! Ps. These bags are designer bags only, and often not suitable for real usage anymore. But you can for sure get AAAAAWS and OOOOOOHS while walking with such a bag on the streets
 |
| Design by Kira the EarAnimal |
Bun maker
So, your buns never turn out as they should? No worries, after using the Cat Pre-Oven, they turn out as hard as stone and could be sold to the army to be used as ammunition for biological warfare. What you need is just one (1) cat, tray of buns waiting to go to oven and then sit back and watch. The cat will most likely move on top of the tray and lay down. This effeciently flattens the buns to make them easier to use as ammunition. Your career as ammunition maker has began! Ps. you can also try advertising these flat discs for hunters to practise shooting.
 |
| Kira preparing the next set of ammunition to go to the oven. |
Personal Trainer
You are worried you have never enough time to go for the gym to work out? No worries, cat will work as your personal trainer! All those stretchings you have to do to pick up the ear ring your cat dropped behind the counter or running when you are trying to catch your cat after she stole your chicken wing... You'll get so much activity that not even the best gym can offer any competition to your Cat Personal Trainer.
 |
| Personal Trainer Kira is showing the position "Crouching Tiger, and not so hidden dragon" |
Calories Counter
Worried you'll gain weight? Do not worry anymore, your personal calorie counter has arrived. She'll see that you'll be eating only what is absolutely necessary and take all the extra pieces away from you. Trust her judgement, she knows better than you do!
 |
| Calories Counter Lilith says that Pepperoni has too many calories and helps to get rid of it. |
Acupuncturer
Having problems with your back? Or legs? and you think acupuncture might be the way of getting help. But the price is so high... Just dont cut the nails of your cat and let her give you this authentic feeling of acupuncture by piercing your skin with her nails. Usually it happens when you least expect it, as an example when the cat jumps to your foot from under the bed at 3am.
 |
| Cat Claw Acupuncture in action |
Kinder Suprise
Your cereal box not had a promised suprise in it? Dont worry, just put the box on the table and let the children be amazed to find a cat inside as a suprise! Who would not be happy to find such a suprise in their cerealbox! Ps. If you do not like cathair in your cereal, please remove the cereal first. Feed it to the dog even if necessary. It is not catfood!
 |
| Lilith hiding herself to be a kinder suprise |
Piece of furniture
You always dreamed to have a ming-vase in your apartment? Or some artistic piece? No need for such things, only thing you need is a cat. Just let your cat find a comfortable spot (can be anywhere from middle of the table to the topself) and let your cat start posing. Even the biggest critics cannot say no after seeing the ultimate, natural art of body of a cat!
 |
| NanoSurgat, the prefect sculpture |
Bookmark & Cat Censor
You loose the spot in book where you were just reading? The problem is solved. Just pick up the book into your hands and wait for the cat to come lay on top of it. This also works excellently as censoring the text that is not meant to be read. Like articles "Dogs are humans best friend" and such other unnecessary stuff. The Cat Censor will leave the most important stuff like catfood advertisements for you to see.
 |
| Lilith The Bookmark |
Furminator
Easy way to redecorate your whole apartment! You just need.... a cat! All your furniture, clothes etc will have a nice layer of cathair. Most often white cathair goes to dark surfaces and dark hair to light colored surfaces! This is the best way of showing off the effect of cathair.
 |
| Kira the Furminator - Adds fur to all your clothes at once |
Fashion critic
Noone can avoid the fashion. It is everywhere. So you think you are dressing according fashion? Let the Cat be the judge. All your nonfashion clothing will be either transferred to more fashionable model (by clawing and biting) or they might just magically disappear to a place where you'll not find them.
 |
| Lilith is preparing for destroying the out of fashion sock... |
Test Taster
Are you sure your food is safe to eat? No worries, your cat can test it first. If it is eaten by cat, it is not for you to eat and you better go back to the kitchen and cook something else for yourself.
 |
| Mr.Elb examining the beans that are they catfood or humanfood |
Paranormal Phenomenon
Your socks are disappearing? At night you feel like you are being watched? Your cat magically disappears and then appears like from thin air? No worries, this is just a free add-on for taking a cat, you get yourself your own paranormal phenomenon and in best case scenario it turns out to be your own little polttergeist!
 |
| Mysterious Phasing Kitty |
So this is just a small example of what you get when you take a cat... But one thing you get to, is never regret that decision of sharing your home with a cat.
~ Lilith The Mighty Minikitten
No comments:
Post a Comment