Guide - What you get when you take a cat ?

It is that time of the week again, that I am publishing my new guide for you dear readers.
Today I am going to tell you exactly what you get if you take a cat.

I know many of you are wondering... how your life would be if there was a cat to share it with you... I am now going to reveal all the secrets.

First of all... Most of people prefer taking their cats as small kittens. What could be cuter than an innocent, little kittenbaby to whom all world is full of play. I must warn you and tell you a secret tho... this cute appearance has been made for the protection of the kittenbabies, as they start their selftraining to become the queens and kings of the household and during this training your furniture and nerves might be on the edge. But after you look at the innocent little cute kittenbaby... how you could ever be angry with it, even after it just destroyed your curtains and peed into your bed ?

As we grow up, we become more demanding as our initial training has been completed. We are the rulers of the household and by that we usually have to do some serious work on the interior design. Marking things that are OURS with painted pawprints usually does the job. This project can also involve fixing you need curtains, or redesigning your kitchen. Do not worry, we do not charge you for all this work we do for your benefit!

We also help you by taking care of your flowers. I have already written a long guide about this with some details to flowerwhispering, so I am not going to go to details in this right now.

And as you human, are our slave, we do want you to stay fit and in good shape. So we serve you as your personal trainer and guard over your diet. What better way of getting exercise than running outside madly on the morning when you think you accidently let your cat get away from open window ? Or running inside the house trying to catch all the things we are dropping from the shelves ? You wont need your clubcard to the gym anymore... you can spend the money on us now. And about food... We will make sure you will not eat anything extra. It is just up to a half a second when the steak leaves your plate or pepperoni vanishes from your pizza. You will thank us later!

You will also get a guardian for your jewelry. As I've mentioned in the past guides... it is actually we, who own your jewelry. But if you are nice to us, we will let you wear it in appropriate situations. Our claws and teeth will keep robbers far from your precious gemstones.

We also will help you create proper christmas athmosphere, even during the hot summermonths. How ? What more you need for chrismas mood than a nice layer of snowflakes covering your apartment. And since we are also good interior designers we can make the snowflakes out from any color!

Also we make sure that none of your empty (or full) boxes are ever unused. They will be used efficiently as bunkers and castles as we are practicing our dominion over the world. Would you like to try to invade my castle ?

We are good offering different massages and beautytreatments. Starting from washing your hair to massaging gently your feet and making you feel all pretty again. We do not charge you for this hard effort... but we expect you to pat us and treat us well for it.

Are you bored of watching same TV programs as reruns from TV or playing the same stupid game on your PC ? No worries dear humans... Cat Screen Blocker (tm) solves this issue. The bigger the better! In the luxury editions (they cost more in maintenance expences as you have to feed them more) you can be sure you will not see anything from the screen as the Cat Screen Blocker(tm) parks infront of it. By with a small extra fee you can get permanent breaks on your Cat Screen Blocker(tm) that prevent it from moving after landing.

We also offer you a service of Kitty FireWall(tm). This way you will not be visiting any websites that are not proper (this includes all sites like "how much it costs to castrate my cat", "what vaccinations are needed", "how to get rid of your cat after he breaks the antique china in your house"). We let you surf on many pages that include pictures of kittens or ways to pamper us. You can also prefill all your credit card info to the sites that we can use to order proper food for us.

There are various colors and sizes of us cats, so for sure you will find one that will match perfectly to your interior (and if not, no worries, we will fix the interior to match our color!) and we cats serve as nice kitten figurines on the shelves or as fluffy pillows on your couch.

We also make sure that your clothing will be in latest standards by destroying all your out of fashion things or donating them to your visitors (this usually happens when you are having a coffee and we bring all your ugly underwear to the table).

But... most importantly... What you get when you take a cat is to be our slave until the end of the days. We will guide you to become a better person and as a reward, after hard day of work, we cuddle to your lap and start purring so you can have the priviledge of patting us. We take care of your physical and mental health and with us, your life will never be boring again.