Lilith presents: DIY Christmas presents

Every year so much money is wasted on Christmas gifts. Stores are full of candle holders, Christmas statues, crappy t-shirts etc. So this year, I decided to tell you about great DIY gifts. Christmas is still 1 1/2months away, so you have more than enough time to get started!

1. Gifts made by knitting
Knitting is not too difficult, and the internet is full of instructions of how to make a wool socks, scarfs, gloves... Instead of using old fashioned methods, you can always ask your feline friends to help with the knitting.

Knitting factory in action

If the gift is not appropriate, your felines will destroy the evidence and let you start from the scratch again.

Lilith destroying woolen sock which did not have enough pink

Please do remember if you appreciate your life and want to stay alive, do not test your knittings on any cat!

2. Gifts made by baking
Who would be able to resist nice cake or cookies?! No one! So making some homemade goodies as Christmas gift is always welcomed. And remember, if you have any people you do not like, you can always make a classical fruit cake! It will remind them about you even after few years, as the cake will be stashed to some cabinet and left to evolve on it's own. Fruit cakes are not cat (or human!) food.

Ensuring the right amount of cat hair in the dough is important. This is a special gift from your cat.

There is no need for expensive machines to make the dough ready. Set of feline paws will do fine.

Testing the final product is important. If it tastes too good or does not have enough cat hair inside it, start over again.

3. DIY flower arrangements
You just need a flower, or a plant (or if you cannot keep anything green besides mold alive, go with plastic flowers) and some patience. Arrange the leaves to nice positions, put some decorations on the leafs and there you go!

Arranging the leaves can take time.

You can always add an extra effect by nibbling some of the leaves so it has this "lace" effect.

If you are pro enough, you can grow the plants on your own!

4. Make your own specially designed cat toys
Nothing says love as much as a pile of cat toys! As the ones from the stores are quite boring, you can always ask your feline assistants to redecorate them. This delicate process can take up to few days, as it requires so much effort. With the very boring toys sometimes nothing can be done, so those just throw to the trash. If we dont touch it, it is not good enough.

Road kill mouse

The effort to re-design toys can be very exhausting

5. DIY Xmas deco
The sky is the limit for what you can make!

Little hearts as window decoration also serve as kitten activity kit

Everybody needs snowflake deco for Xmas!

6. DIY furniture
The furniture bought from the store is quite boring and lacks the personal touch. So you can always learn some carpentry and re-design them to specific taste.

Lilith is adding a personal touch to cabinet

7. Xmas carols CD
Who would resist classic xmas carols on a CD? Take your microphone out and start singing!

Jingle bells, jingle bells...

Remember, you should never buy an animal as xmas gift! or as any gift!

Lilith's Guide for Sleeping

Sleeping... such a wonderful thing. Being able to lay down and relax and enjoy the moments in the land of dreams. We, the cats, are champions of sleeping and other animals (and also you, dear humanslaves, have a lot to learn from us).
Tho as it sounds easy and straightforward, sometimes there are a lot of science involved behind it. Let me show you how it is done!

1. Selecting the appropriate sleeping place
When you get drowsy, or just feel like not bothering with the mortals anymore, you need to find good place to crash. I'd suggest picking up a quiet corner somewhere and just put your ignore mode on while the sweet dreams take you to wonderful places.

Sir Warre and two orientals demonstrate a nice, comfy bed as proper sleeping place.

2. Choosing your bed
There are variety of beds available. Some like to sleep on the floor - not me!, some enjoy soft pillows or nests and some just like to go under the blankets and relax. If nothing else, you can always use your right to use the pillow of your humanslaves and sleep on it to demonstrate that there is no bed worthy of your attention in the house. If humanslave insists on not buying you appropriate bed, then at the evening just use your paw to show your humanslave his worth and make him sleep without the pillow.

Here Siru is demonstrating how a comfortable princess bed looks like

3. Choosing the sleeping style
There are variety styles involved in sleeping. In the pictures below me and my assistants are showing you some of the styles. You can also choose to sleep with the style you like to.

The Burgers - Just pile up on top of each other and enjoy the heat. Tho to be comfortable for everyone, remember that the smallest goes on top!

Like a king - Blackrock is showing how a proper sleeping throne looks like. With this style it is important to be alone and show your minions your worth by occasionally taking a glance towards them so they know to keep worshiping you while you travel in the dreamland

The Pile - Small bed and many cats. All piled up on top of each other and more are joining the fun as time passes. Note the same as with burger-style, smallest ones go on the top. This style goes well if you like company of others, but for some, like me, it is just not meant to be. I like my solitude!

The Tortilla - During cold days it is good to wrap yourself into the blankets and make a tortilla out of yourself. Works every time. 

Let me demonstrate to you Monorail position. Put your paws around the "bed" and let them fall towards the ground and relax. My favorite position,

4. When to sleep ?
There is no right or wrong time to sleep. You sleep when you feel like it. It is morning, day or night... Every time around the clock is correct time. Tho I'd prefer mornings and days, as at night it is more fun to run around the apartment at 3am meowing like crazy and chasing the pink elephants and fairies. So remember my feline friends, morning and day you should dedicate for the art of sleeping so you are well rested for the night hunt. Tonight, sharpen your claws and join me in the hunt of the magical creatures at 3am!

5. Selecting correct channel from dreamvision TV
Some dreams can be quite boring. Come on, who wants to watch a rerun of some boring soap opera. As we, the cats, are champions in the art of sleeping, we can select the appropriate dreams to watch. Best ones are the ones modeling reality - where we are worshiped as gods like during the times of Ancient Egypt. This should be still the case for you at your kingdom. Humanslaves are meant for pampering and worshiping us.

6. Midnight snack
Sometimes the dreams keep us busy, but our belly monsters awake us from the sweet land of dreams. This is something you need to be prepared. So make sure you have something good to eat right next to you. You can always also wake up your humanslave to give you some food by screaming from starvation straight to his ear.

Me and my McDonalds fries. Never can get enough!

So thats it for now folks! Now it is time to go lay in the sun and gather reserves for the cold and dark winter time. We cats work on the solar power, so now it starts to be last possible moments for filling up the batteries. Or you can demand your humanslave to send you for winter to Mauritius as an example.

Lilith presents - Winter is coming

Those feared words... winter is coming... the iceage. No more eternal warmth of the sun and no more laying in its rays on the balcony but moving inside to sit next to a radiator to struggle through the cold times. Winter. It comes every year. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. But it comes. Just like taxes you pay for the government.

As winter is still some time away, I gathered for you a small survival guide to make your preparations for the ultimate survival. This year... we are prepared!

1. Gather some excess body mass around your organs. The fat keeps the heat inside better than being skinny.

Bony and thin orientals... this is not ok for winter

Nice, round Mr.Elb. Note the excess body mass that has been developed just for the sole purpose of protecting the vulnerable insides. 

2. Prepare your nest. It is good to have a nice hiding place prepared for yourself, where you can hide from the cold and darkness. Just any nest wont do, as it is important to first of all test drive your hiding place properly. This is why it is good to start early, as every nest wont be suitable for the purpose.

Not suitable nest - even the plants give good feng shui, they do not provide much protection against the harsh winter conditions.

Not suitable - The nest, even as it appears nice and fluffy and warm, is not enough as there is no walls on the roof to protect from being snowed in.

Approved - even not made out of cardboard (my favorite building material), this nest will do. Note also NanoSurgat carrying wool inside the nest to insulate it better against the cold spell.

Also approved - sleeping on top of a PC that is on. It radiates a lot of warmth.

3. Stashing up with food ingredients is also important. You never know if it gets too cold (below +20c) and you just simply cannot go outside. What then ? The food wont just walk inside your home (unless you use the pizza delivery guy).

Durotan stashing pretzels for the winter

4. Prepare some entertainment for yourself. The winter lasts 10months out of a year (at least that is how it feels!), so it is better to prepare to spend the time somehow, sleeping is good hobby, but too much of sleeping might get bit too boring.

Playing Tortilla is a good thing at winter and will keep you warm inside the blankets. You can always take your favorite toys with you inside the tortilla. Here A-A is demonstrating how to make a nice tortilla.

Also Game of Thrones - Who gets to sleep on the best place in house - is a good thing during the winter. Just remember, you might loose your seat if you leave it unattended even for a moment.

And if nothing else, you can always watch football (ps. the TV radiates a lot of heat!)

5. Prepare mentally for the winter. It is better to be physically (see mr. Elb) and mentally prepared for the dark days ahead. You can make some winter test drives at home by making some snowflakes and see how it is. 

Snowflake factory in action

6. Charge your batteries by laying in the sun as long as possible. This prevents you from running out of energy middle of the winter.

So, be prepared this year. Winter is coming. It is almost upon us. Do not let it surprise you this year, but wait for it and conquer it. 

Guide for Felines - How to train your human slave properly ?

Dear Feline Friends...

Some of us are facing a very serious issue, that threatens our existence and purpose on this planet. And what can be such a great threat? Untrained human slaves, who think that we, the master pieces of the creation, do not deserve the luxurious treatment and pampering but think us only as common pets. Pets... it sounds almost like pest! So, today I decided to write you a guide about how to train your own humanslave properly and worship you, and spoil you (well, it is actually not spoiling - it is just showing appreciation to your unique and special attributes as a cat!)

Lets start!
1)  Show your humanslave his/her proper spot in the world by placing your paw on his/her face. This shows absolute domination and if humanslave does not believe your gesture - you can make it clearer by using your claws and teeth.

2) Physical violence. If general hints do not work, you can always punish your humanslave with your sharp claws and teeth. Remember to punish them to places that do not affect your pampering, i.e. avoid touching hands (they are used to prepare food for you and to pat you!). 

Punishing human by eating a toe is ok, humanslave can still walk around with one foot.

3) Give hints of total destruction unless your human obeys. Killing some innocent piece of cloth or so gives your human a good view of what can happen, unless the human obeys your rules. Bite it, claw it, kick it, release the hell. And make your human to watch you. They might first think it is just adorable, but remember while killing the piece of cloth to stare straight to their souls. They will not be mistaken again!.

4) Show your teeth and sharp claws. This will help with showing domination. They know, that with your weapons you can bring destruction and doom to their lives so it is better to obey. It is after all YOUR kingdom - the humans are just paying the rent for it.

6) Sleep in their bed. Show them, that it is actually YOUR bed. Humans have a soft spot in them and they do not want to move a sleeping kitty. Spread yourself as wide as possible and enjoy the rest. Your human can do sleeping on the couch (unless feline friends of yours have moved into there) or on the floor. 

7) Eat first. In the animal world, the leaders eat first, and the others get what ever is left. Show this for your humanslaves too by demanding to get the best parts of their dinner. 

8) Leave "horsehead" to their pillow. As we cats are bit small in size (but not in power!), dragging a head of a horse to the pillow can be challenging. I have solved this by leaving disemboweled toys on the pillow of my humanslave. I think it serves the same purpose!

9 ) And when your humanslave actually does, as you wish him/her to do, reward them by inviting them for a bellyrub (in case you change your mind about their behaviour, this belly rub moment can turn into bear trap with claws). 

I do not believe in whips and chains... human slaves should already by default be able to treat us properly while we (The Catz) are sitting on our thrones and ruling the universe. But in case your human slave still needs more training, do the needful!

~ Lilith the Mighty Minikitten

Lilith presents - Kittens, what they actually are?

Oh those so tiny and innocent baby kittens... how can you resist them when you look into their innocent eyes, listen their innocent meow... Your heart just melts!
Let me break your bubble and tell you what the kittens really are, since beneath their innocent-fluffy-cute outlook lays a minion of darkness that has just one purpose in this world... to join me and take over the universe!

The Look
Look at those eyes, and fall deep-deep-deep into them. Can you believe something so innocent could do anything bad? (not to forget to mention that moment ago the little claws just gave you not-so-gentle acupuncture and few minutes before that the little paws pushed your vase down from the bookshelf). The Look is the ultimate defense method. By tilting the head a bit and looking straight to your eyes and to your soul, the kitten convinces you that loss off the 1000e vase was nothing and that your bleeding legs are just imaginary symptom. Keep this in mind, while I continue with my guide... This look of pure innocence (by the way, if you did not know it yet, that is I, me and myself in the picture).

The Weapon of Destruction
Even kittens look so tiny and small, they have multiple ways of causing pure havoc and destruction around themselves. Sometimes the humans (and us, the adult cats) think that what was going on in our heads when we took such a creature into our lives - were we insane or what ?! Then comes "The Look" and our hearts melt again and the kitten is safe from the fate of becoming a furry hat or glove.
Let me specify a bit of these weapons they are using.

The Suckling Powah
The motherly love is never ending they say, and that mothers take care of their offspring and love them no matter what. Unfortunately (for the mothers) the kittens do not always think the same. When it comes to the milkbar their enormous suckling powers are released and when they attach themselves to the titties the lifeforce (here called the milk) is being slowly drained out from them. Add few sets of very very very sharp teeth that attach the kitten to the milkbar with force equal of a giant leech on human leg and there is no escape for the poor mommycat with the milkbar.

In the picture you can witness the little kittens sucking the milkbar empty and at the same time the lifeforce "milk" is draining out from the poor mothercat.

 The Integrated Weaponry
As mentioned previously, the kittens come with sharp set of teeth. But that is not all... They are also equipped with sharp claws, that can scratch any surface, give humans (and other cats) some acupuncture that may lead to bleeding wounds and also be used to destroy fabrics and especially to shred toilet paper.The claws are attached to the paw, which itself holds incredible amounts of power - enough to drop down the vase from bookshelf or to climb the curtains all the way to the ceiling.

Never ending curiosity
The kittens are like little explorers, always going there, where no man (or a cat) has gone before, proudly walking on the unknown terrain and often not too aware of the dangers that lay beyond the known universe. This in part is good - at least you find all the hidden places in your apartment while you are searching for the missing kitten. And you might end up finding some of your lost valuables which you places into the "I will remember I put this thing here"-spot just to forget about it 5 minutes later.

The Hunger
Kittens are growing, so they need a lot of food for it. You think that the kibble and some wet food is enough? You are so mistaken. When the milkbar runs dry, the kittens go to explore for more food to fill their empty bellies (remember, kitten is always hungry, even 5minutes after it ate last time). This exploration can lead the kitten to various food sources, which some are human food, some are catfood and some are items that cannot be even classified as food (I do not talk about flowers and plants here!). Feed the poor starving kitten... or suffer the consequences. The kitten wont understand "later, its not dinnertime yet" as its belly is grumbling from hunger.

Imagination
For you, it looks just as few flowers and some dirt... for the kitten, it is the wildest jungle, never been conquered by anyone. The kitten becomes the big lioness who prowls for its pray in the jungle (as a pray I mean you, dear human). When the pray approaches, the lioness prepares for an attack and jumps out from the cover of the trees and bites your arm to kill you.

And for you, the litterbox looks just like a litterbox, the spot where you go to pick up some poopoos and peepees and try to avoid the stinking ones. But for a kitten, the litterbox becomes the desert of Sahara, and as the global warming is the issue nowadays, the desert is spreading and spreading... so the litter has to be dug out from the box - as in the real world!

The imagination of a kitten is unique, and do not spoil their fun by telling them "no, you are not a lion and my orchid is not a tree in the jungle and you should not sharpen your claws to it". Let them play! This is also very important for their future as it gives them the basics of training to become a proper soldier in my army when I'll take over the universe!


When the kittens are born, they are nothing more than little fluffy jellybeans (often in variety of colors), and from that day on they grow and develop into adult cats. I just have to warn you, that often the brains do not grow at the same speed than rest of the body, and occasionally it has been known that the brains have gone missing...

So, now you can safely remove the image of cute little innocent kitten sleeping and playing cutely from your mind, and see what they are in the reality... nanosized killing machines with unlimited energy (often it feels like that), destructive weaponry and a way of making themselves look cute after they destroyed half of the apartment.
I have warned you! So now it is your own fault, if you take such a fluffy, innocent, cuddly, funny.... AAAAAW <3 <3 <3 creature into your home!

The looks can be deceiving!