Friday, May 30, 2014

Guide for Felines - How to train your human slave properly ?

Dear Feline Friends...

Some of us are facing a very serious issue, that threatens our existence and purpose on this planet. And what can be such a great threat? Untrained human slaves, who think that we, the master pieces of the creation, do not deserve the luxurious treatment and pampering but think us only as common pets. Pets... it sounds almost like pest! So, today I decided to write you a guide about how to train your own humanslave properly and worship you, and spoil you (well, it is actually not spoiling - it is just showing appreciation to your unique and special attributes as a cat!)

Lets start!
1)  Show your humanslave his/her proper spot in the world by placing your paw on his/her face. This shows absolute domination and if humanslave does not believe your gesture - you can make it clearer by using your claws and teeth.
2) Physical violence. If general hints do not work, you can always punish your humanslave with your sharp claws and teeth. Remember to punish them to places that do not affect your pampering, i.e. avoid touching hands (they are used to prepare food for you and to pat you!). 

Punishing human by eating a toe is ok, humanslave can still walk around with one foot.

3) Give hints of total destruction unless your human obeys. Killing some innocent piece of cloth or so gives your human a good view of what can happen, unless the human obeys your rules. Bite it, claw it, kick it, release the hell. And make your human to watch you. They might first think it is just adorable, but remember while killing the piece of cloth to stare straight to their souls. They will not be mistaken again!.

4) Show your teeth and sharp claws. This will help with showing domination. They know, that with your weapons you can bring destruction and doom to their lives so it is better to obey. It is after all YOUR kingdom - the humans are just paying the rent for it.

6) Sleep in their bed. Show them, that it is actually YOUR bed. Humans have a soft spot in them and they do not want to move a sleeping kitty. Spread yourself as wide as possible and enjoy the rest. Your human can do sleeping on the couch (unless feline friends of yours have moved into there) or on the floor. 

7) Eat first. In the animal world, the leaders eat first, and the others get what ever is left. Show this for your humanslaves too by demanding to get the best parts of their dinner. 

8) Leave "horsehead" to their pillow. As we cats are bit small in size (but not in power!), dragging a head of a horse to the pillow can be challenging. I have solved this by leaving disemboweled toys on the pillow of my humanslave. I think it serves the same purpose!
9 ) And when your humanslave actually does, as you wish him/her to do, reward them by inviting them for a bellyrub (in case you change your mind about their behaviour, this belly rub moment can turn into bear trap with claws). 

I do not believe in whips and chains... human slaves should already by default be able to treat us properly while we (The Catz) are sitting on our thrones and ruling the universe. But in case your human slave still needs more training, do the needful!

~ Lilith the Mighty Minikitten

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