I do not often let Mommy use this blog for her personal usage, but this time I am making an exception. I am sitting on her lap with Kira now, all of us in tears. The past days have been horrible for all of us, and I am afraid that this sorrow will never go away, it will just get bit easier with time.
I will let her tell the whole story, story of those who were too beautiful to this world, and should not be ignored and forgotten. Their memory will stay in our hearts forever. They have already crossed the rainbow bridge and are waiting for us to join them one day.
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On Saturday around 6pm Kiras labor began, and we all were excited. It was the day we all were waiting for months and prepared for. I stepped with Kira to the nursery. Moment later I felt first stabs in my heart, Kira gave birth to two stillborn babies. Both way too young to survive in this world. In all silence I took them away.
Some time passed and next baby was on its way out. I instantly realized that something was wrong and while I was holding the dead kitten in my hands, trying to bring her back to life tears were running from my eyes. After some time I had to give up, and take this innocent baby away. Not long, and Kira continued her labor, the most beautiful classic tabby baby was born, I held the baby in my hands and could not stop crying.
Contractions stopped and we assumed this was all, as vet had seen 4 heartbeats in latest ultra from ~2 1/2 weeks away. I slept next to Kira most of the night, crying and holding her paw. I blamed myself so hard. Did I do something wrong? Did I miss something? The labor had gone on normally. I went through every minute in my mind, over and over again.
During that night I saw a dream of these babies suckling their mommy elsewhere, it was not Kira feeding them. It was a beautiful white cat. At that moment I knew they were already safe and loved, ways I could have never loved them and caressed them. They had walked past the rainbow bridge, to the place where grass is always green and there are plenty of mice to hunt and food bowls are never empty.
On next morning Kira was taken to vet to see if everything was ok. With her traveled the babies. It was very hard moment to pack them for travel. They deserved the respect given, they were our little angels. I placed them inside a warm bed, so they would not feel the cold and that they were safe.
Vet examined the babies and said that they were already dead well before Kira went to labor. I knew they were alive 24h before labor as I felt movements of 2 of them. But after then... Nothing Kira or I could have done would have changed the outcome. These were the words of our vet, and I was finally able to stop blaming myself so hard from this loss.
Vet found Kira had still 2 more dead babies inside and we decided to try with oxytocine as she began nesting (this was ~14h after her contractions had stopped), but after few hard tries it was not enough and on Sunday Kira went for surgery to remove the last babies from her. These babies had the same faith than the others, dead well before she went into labor.
What now matters is that Kira is home and slowly recovering from this ordeal. We all have been very devastated. Every time Kira goes to her nest and cries for her babies, my heart is being stabbed by hundred knives as I know nothing I do can bring them back, and I cannot explain to her that the babies are not here anymore. I know Kira will recover faster than I do, and I do not know do I have the courage to continue on this path of breeding I had selected. It has been so painful and the tears are not ending.
During these sad hours, I tho learned something important, something that began restoring my lost hope for humankind. That there are friends in this world and people who consider cats as more than just pets. People for whom cats are family members. And people who helped us asking nothing for return. Thank you, you all know who you are. Greatest thanks go for Mirka, who stood up with me all the time during those dark hours.
To the end, I would like to attach lyrics from Nightwish - Angels fall First. It is not the first time, and I am afraid it will not be the last time I play this song for memory of those who left us too early. Our little angels.
An angelface smiles to me
Under a headline of tragedy
That smile used to give me warmth
Farewell - no words to say
Beside the cross on your grave
And those forever burning candles
Needed elsewhere
To remind us of the shortness of our time
Tears laid for them
Tears of love tears of fear
Bury my dreams dig up my sorrows
Oh Lord why
The angels fall first
Not relieved by thoughts of Shangri-La
Nor enlightened by the lessons of Christ
I'll never understand the meaning of the right
Ignorance lead me into the light
Needed elsewhere
To remind us of the shortness of our time
Tears laid for them
Tears of love tears of fear
Bury my dreams dig up my sorrows
Oh Lord why
The angels fall first
Sing me a song
Of your beauty
Of your kingdom
Let the melodies of your harps
Caress those whom we still need
Yesterday we shook hands
My friend
Today a moonbeam lightens my path
My guardian
- Nightwish / Angels fall first
And for my Finnish friends, Johanna Kurkela - Prinsessalle
Tonight, like the nights before I am lighting a candle for my angels. Maybe one day I can stop crying, but not yet today. I know I might be too sensitive, too emotional, but I just cannot shrug my shoulders and keep living like nothing happened.
Good night my angels, I hope we will meet one day again - across the rainbow bridge.
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