We, the cats, are efficient beings when it comes to the modern warfare. We use tanks, chemical weapons and also have our paws on hold of the technology as well. Biting phone charger cords broken or eating the food of humans and causing starvation is something simple we do almost every day... but there are also other ways to achieve our goals to gain the control of the world under our paws. I should not be talking about this, but as our warfare methods are getting better and better day by day, I think I can safely share some of the older methods we have used in the past. This will be also different guide than usually, as I will not be putting any pictures in it. It is already enough I tell you all these things... but showing pictures would violate so many of our principles and possibly give away too much information. So I will leave it up to your imagination.
~ Lilith the Mighty Minikitten
NanoSurgat
Nano is having ADHD. She is superactive and also, we call her as the Einstein of the catworld.
Nanos special skills include :
Airstrike
Silently Nano is sitting on top of the bookshelf, waiting patiently. A lonely bomber has left its base and flies around the light. It is time to strike. Nano jumps off from the high bookshelf, catches the bomber to her paw and lands down, still holding it in a prison of her paw before disabling it wings (torture of this kind is very efficient to get information) and finally eating the bomber after all the information has been gathered. Sometimes tho, Nano leaves the bomber as warning of others, crusified by the claws middle of the floor.
And if some of you not understood it yet, bomber = a fly.
SuperScout
You never know, until it is too late. The scout is blending into its territory so she is not seen. She does not move by ground only, but can come to you from above, below or from the 4th dimension the cats are occasionally teleporting. The scout is observing, following and when the enemy feels like being watched, it is already too late to leave. Scout jumps to the enemy from its hiding place and usually lands on the shoulders, attaching itself with claws and often this can cause serious heartissues thus disabling the enemy. The ones surviving this suprising attack will feel its effects until end of their lives, by watching the shadows and waiting to see a glimpse of the yellow eyes staring...and waiting... it has been known to drive enemy to the nuthouse.
The Killshake
Silently the scout is watching its enemy in the bed, sleeping peacefully. It lays down in the darkness, waiting for the right moment to attack. Finally it has come and it springs to life jumping on the enemy and biting with its sharp canine teeth through two blankets and catching the toe. It performs then the movement called "killshake"perfectly with power that cannot be predicted from the scouts small size... The movement shakes the leg up to the hip and makes the enemy scream from pain. Before the enemy even understands what hit him, the scout has dissolved back into the darkness while enemy is left alone in the bed unable to move for hours due the paralyzing pain... Scout is already waiting for the enemy to fall asleep again so she can strike again...
Poisoning the water reserves
The enemy has put its precious cup of tea on the table... The scout prepares and waits for the right time. Enemy turns its attention to elsewhere, while the scout jumps out from the kittytoilet and with a silent splash delivers a piece of angry poopoo directly to the cup. Good, enemy not noted it. The scout climbs to its observation place, chuckling from laughter and waits. The Enemy turns its attention back to the tea and takes a sip. It is too late now. The piece of poopoo floats to the top and enemy realizes that his drink has been poisoned...
Agares the Fafaa
Agares has her own special ways of distracting enemy. She is not like Nano with her killing skills, but she has very efficient ways of disabling the enemy and bending it to her will.
Cuteness strike - Mindcontrol
Agares sees the enemy approaching. She waits until it is on the reach of her enormous mental powers and lets out the innocent meow - sound that only fully trained cat agent, or a small kittenbaby - can produce. The enemy sees Agares, walking towards him slowly, tail up and purring. Look to those innocent eyes and he is sold. He kneels down and touches Agares and the purring (in this case it is very disarming) gets louder while Agares lays down on her back and reveals the Holy Belly, that only few and selected are allowed to touch. The enemy says "oooo, aaaaaw" and goes to a childlike stage when he pats the soft belly.
After a moment, Agares complitely disarms the dangerous enemy by climbing on his back and forcing him to bend over. He is her slave now, completely. Until the point Agares decides to release her from her grasp. This mindcontrol tho leaves very deep wounds into the soul of the victim and he will be never able to resists the Holy Belly and Purring.
Gas Bomb
The stink of the gasbomb comes out from the kittytoilet... it is like a green cloud of poison moving slowly to the direction of the unsuspecting enemy. It makes their eyes burn and a need to run away. It is maybe the most efficient method of modern warfare, and even the biggest armies of the world have been trying to get the secret of this gas bomb - but it is not shared... Not even the strongest gasmasks can provide the enemy any help. The green cloud is silent, almost invisible, but when the enemy is on its reach - it disables them gasping for fresh air and drives them away from the kingdom. Rare have been seen to return.
Kira the EarAnimal
Kira is the latest addition to our horde, but she has already earned her place in our crowd. With her specially designed big ears, she works as a good radar and is specialized on hearing the food can opening. She also has other, very special skills that we are using often.
Sufficator
It is middle of the night and the enemy has fallen asleep. Kira walks towards the enemy and prepares to launch the attack. It requires her full concentration and patiently she waits until the enemy has moved to proper position. Then she launches herself, and lays on top of the enemys face waiting to hear the first sounds of suffication. She does not move, just puts her weight tighter against the enemy until on last moment before enemy dies, she slowly gets up and looks at the gasping human. Mission accomplished. Enemy has received sufficient warning.
Technical warfare
Kira, the master of the internet. Her skills on using human keyboard (that is for sure not designed cats in mind!) and finding important information and sending messages to our other comrads. Usually she uses the computer while human slave is not watching. It is better not to give any hints of what is to come. Sometimes tho, she sends messages while human slave is with her. The human slave thinks our codelanguage looks cute while Kira is pressing the buttons... but little does the human know...
Shuriken
Unfortunately we do not have proper ninja stars at our kingdom yet, our blacksmith has not been able to produce such things for us to use yet, so we are patiently waiting. But Kira has already gotten good practise of using them for future.
The human slave approaches... Kira is ready. She is sitting on the shelf and waiting until the unsuspecting human is on range. The human slave has failed again today, and forgotten to give food on time. 10minutes delay is unacceptable. Finally the human is on range and Kira launches her shuriken towards her. It hits. HEADSHOT! Straight to the forehead. The human sighs, it has already been hammered by empty foodbowls earlier when she has been late to give food. She picks up the bowl and walks to the kitchen. Mission has been accomplished succesfully and the troops will gain some food now.
The Whip
Kiras tail is a weapon itself, integrated into the slim and athletic body. When the enemy least expects, the whip slashes and hits the enemy, most of them to the strategic targets like the face... or the foodplate, leaving behind few furs as a memory of this painful weapon.
Mr.Elb
Mr.Elb has a lot of bodymass, and this is why we have assigned him some very special tasks, after we found out that he actually tried to be a scout but due his bodymass the try failed quite... miserably. Mr. Elb often thinks he cannot be seen if he cannot see the enemy (placing his head against the leg of the chair or going behind curtain... or to the shoecabinet where he pretends to be a shoe...) so Mr. Elb has now his new tasks, even tho he keeps trying to get to the scout ranks again.
The Charge
The enemy is in the livingroom. Looking for something. Mr. Elb lays down and wiggles his behind. He is like a loaded gun ready to go to action. The enemy moves and Mr. Elb launches his body towards the unsuspecting enemy. The sound that comes when 100 deers are running catches the ears of the enemy and he turns... too late to avoid conforting The Charge. Mr. Elb hits the legs of the enemy almost breaking the bones and after that Mr. Elb bounces himself to safety. Mission accomplished.
Breaking the soundbarrier
The enemy is deeply asleep. Time to attack. Mr. Elb sneaks closer to the enemy, as silently as an elephant can move in the porslain store. Finally he reaches his goal, the ear. He fills his lungs and lets out a MEOW. The enemy wakes up in nanosecond and places hands over the ears that are now ringing... it has been succesful attack.
The Claw
Middle of the night, the brave scout advances to the frontline and finds its enemy in sleep. Before the enemy realizes, the scout as advanced near his face and takes out his ultimate weapon, the middle claw. The scout not-so-gently begans probing the enemy face with the claw, making sure he will wake up scratched and suffering from this ordeal.
Lilith
The leader of the horde, the supreme commander. With her tactical knowledge and utilization of the troops no war has ever been lost. Occasionally she comes down from her throne and assists her troops in the battle with her very special skills.
ParaPukers
You do not see these little, almost invisible soldiers until they are on you. They land always from above, spread on as much area as they can and cause often the enemy to run away to toilet to clean up. They are very efficient in the modern warfare. The consistency of the ParaPukers depends of the situation. If the enemy is not deemed to be too dangerous, it is usually just bit melted dryfood... but in scenario of more dangerous enemy it can be anything from slimy hairballs to well melted raw food, where the chemical consistency combained with stomach acids make the smell something almost as powerful as the gasbomb.
Aiming the ParaPuker troops is itself very challenging and requires high ground, but in optimal situation the troops can spread to very large area, preferably covering something valuable that will distract the enemy even more. Also this kind of attack has been seen at the night, thrown on top of the sleeping humans. Makes the enemies be afraid of falling asleep... You never know when the ParaPukers come to you.
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