As it should be clear to you by now... you are our servants. Our slaves. We tell you what to do, and you do not question our judgement. We, the Cats, know better.
At first we take a look of proper sleeping places. We are very strict on the fact where we can lay our precious body on to get a nap. If it happens to be infront of your PC, you can resume your job AFTER our naps have taken place. Or if it is middle of your bed, you can just move your fat ass away and wait for us. Sleeping is not just "sleeping" for us cats, and we are usually doing important telepathic conversations amongst each other on our plans to conquer the world. So you should not in any case disturb our "sleep".
Occasionally we might climb on your lap to sleep... do not worry... this is normal. We need to extract your heat and keep ourselves warm, as well as this is a way for us to make sure you are not going to move anywhere until given permission to (or purrmission rather!)
Next my dear humanslaves... food! This is part of our everyday routine. You think your cat is picky when refusing to eat the market dryfood you are offering Her Highness day after day ? Try yourself living a month eating oatmeal on daily basis and get the idea! Proper food is one thing that we, the cats, are not willing to negotiate about. If we come with you to kitchen and stare at the fridge door, we assume you open it and give treats for us. Trust me my dear human slave... you do not wanna mess with us when it comes to food! If we cannot get what we want, we do take it, by force even. You wont even notice how fast our little paws visit your plate and grab your juicy steak. What are you even thinking of not offering to us at the first place anyways ? We are the masters here! Also you should be graceful that we are taking care of your diet by checking on what you eat and taking the temptations away!
And boxes... remember your cat HAS TO HAVE boxes. For you they look like useless pieces of cardboard... for us they are fortresses of power, and from there we are planning and testing our attacks towards the humankind. As a human slave, it is your responsibility to see that we have plenty of boxes laying around for our practises.
And every emperor or empress needs jewelry. You think it is annoying that we go and steal your necklage from table and hide it somewhere or play with it ? You are so wrong... this jewelry belongs to us in the first place and we are just showing it off for our fellow catmates. The more valuable it is, the better. We have to finance our conquering the world anyways somehow... So to save your time, do not put your jewelry away. You never know when it is needed by us when we find a bargain on some nice weaponry for our usage.
We want your undivided attention. If we want pats, and place ourselves infront of your monitor/tv... do pat us. If you just try to shoo us away, it will not work. Since we will come back again and again. Trust me humans... you get it a lot easier if you give us attention without us having to ask for it...
And what cruelty you do to us... Getting those feather lures out from cabinets and letting us just to play a second with them and then taking away ? Stop it. Now. For good. It is NOT kittyprooved. We just get our plays started (and by playing we are just testing our fighting tactics for the Final Battle to take over the world) and after a second you take our target dummy away before we get to perfect our strikes... That is CRUELTY!
If you think to play smart with us cats and hide things from us, you should know by now it is impossible. We will find it, where ever you put it. So do not even bother keeping secrets from us.
And we do not do this to be evil and make you suffer... If we bring your underwear or socks middle of coffeetable while you have visitors, we are just making sure you understand that those garnaments are out of fashion and your friends should be aware of that as well. We are after all perfect animals and we do know better.
We can also keep ourselves clean, unlike you humans. So taking us to suffer a bath is a crime that can be punished by death. Usually by sufficating you middle of the night by laying on your face, or "accidently" walking infront of you and tripping you over. Most of accidents happen at home... beware.
What was once yours, is now mine. You took me to your home. I am to expect that we share everything. From food to clothing. It is simple as that. I can get my paws on it = it belongs to me.
I hope you have learned somethings valuable today my humanslaves. You should all now bow to me and worship the ground I am walking over. We have been worshipped as gods from times of ancient Egypt and you dear human... should follow in the trails of your ancestors. Resistance is futile. The faster you do accept that I am above you, and I am the one making the rules, the easier your life will become. Now... go and fetch me a nice steak, prepared raw. And dont forget the lobstertail!
And remember... If you treat us well... we will give you rewards for it. What else can a human ask, than a purring cat on their lap...
~ Lilith the Mighty Minikitten
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