Monday, May 14, 2012

How to take a photo of a cat ?

Taking a picture of a cat is not the easiest job possible. We cats do not like the idea of the bad pcitures taken from us are spreading in the internet, so we are making sure that you get only proper pictures taken from us. I have here made a small guide of how to take a picture of your dear cat. I hope it will help you next time you have an idea to photograph your own cat(s).
Lets start !
1) Choose a proper backround for your picture. It is important that your cat will be visible from it.
2) Search your cat so you can place him to the picture. Usually it is good to go through all the favorite sleeping places, feeding places and hiding places. After couple hours of searching, your cat will appear out of nowhere, stretching after good sleep.
3) Place the cat on the scenery you have created and go behind your camera. Note that the battery of the camera has ran out while you've been searching for the cat and find the cable to recharge it. Remove the cat from eating the cable and see your cat posing beautifully on the photography backround. When the camera has bit of battery and you get ready to take the picture, the cat decides it has been long enough of posing and moves away. Note that the only picture you took is from the moment your cat is evading the scenery.
4) Go to get your cat back. Give bribes, tell how handsome he is, give cookies to him. Promise him tons of cookies if he sits still just for one picture. Your cat is looking you and evaluating if the promised goods are worth the effort. The moment you press the button to take a picture, your cat puts on the most retarded facial expression that is possible to achieve without catnip, and walks away to wait for the promised goods.
5) Get the cat back from top of the highest bookshelf. This includes now some severe soundeffects from hissing to growling. Your cat is not appreciating of being pictured anymore. Move the little firecracker to the scenery and think, would you have enough time to get some superglue to make the firecracker stay still for one picture. After taking the picture, note that your intelligent and charming cat did not appreciated the effort and is showing it off.
6) Drink a cup of coffee, preferably with some alcohol in it and put your heavyduty gloves on when you are going to hunt your cat from climbing the dragontree. Instead of hissing, you get hits from the spiked gloves your cat is wearing. Try to remember again, what time the shop closed in case the superglue is the only option, but end up checking your vaccinations after you remove your cat from your shoulders biting your neck like a vampire.
7) After bandaging yourself, take a small break and look with awe all those beautiful catpictures in internet. Wonder how they have done it, and have a great idea to use some flowers as a prop in the backround. Throw some flowers on the backround and get your cat that has calmed down a bit to the scenery. Take a picture and get some towels to dry up all the water and clean the butchered flowers. Make a mental note, that using flowers was not one of your smartest ideas.
8) After you have cleaned up, decide that as taking a pic of only one cat is not working out, so maybe they'll work better as a team. Fetch the cats from around the house and throw them some goodies to the scenery and try to take a picture. As a result you see a pile of random catparts and none of them is even looking at the camera.
9) Try to use their favorite toy to get their attention (after you have visited the local petshop to buy more goodies for the cats and gathered them all again to the scenery). The result is even worse than in the previous picture and while waving the toy around you manage to drop a mirror to the floor that dooms you to 7 years of bad luck.
10) Do not give you yet, and try the group picture once again and separate the fighting kittens from each other. Fetch some more bandages for yourself and swear due the desinfectant has ran out. Poor rest of the alcohol you wanted to use to drink to your wounds and press the button and hope for a miracle.
11) Give up the idea of a group picture, and realize if you want one, you'll take individual pictures of the cat and use photoshop to patch them to one big picture. Go to find your cat so you get the first picture taken. Add more bandages to your fingers, place your cat to sit on the scenery and hold it still with other hand while pressing the button. At the crucial moment, the other cats in the household decide to avenge their friend and use your back as a tarmac with their spiked wheels and run across it and the camera moves. The cat being pictured runs off and the result from the fancy portrait looks like something below.
12) Put some bandages on your back and investigate the picture you just took. Realize, that not even the best photoshop would ever be able to save it and change the mix of octopus and overgrown rat to a cat. Fetch another cup of coffee and note how murderously your cats are looking at you around the apartment. Take a camera to your hand and a deep breath and forget the fancy scenery you created. Try to take pictures of the cats in random places and think how with photoshop you can make them look nice. You just forget that your models are not co-operative anymore and even in the best picture (that actually has the whole cat in it), your cat looks like it has just escaped from a horrormovie.
13) Get back to the original scenery and start putting it apart. Every part of your body is hurting and the blood is oozing under the bandages. Remind you, that next time you get the great idea of photographing your cat, you will call a professional. Your cat comes, sits on the scenery and looks at you. You take the camera and press the button and your 8h of work is rewarded with one successful picture. Give your cat all the treats possible and tell how good job he did for you.
14) Start loading the picture from your camera to your computer so you can present it in facebook. You sing and smile like a sunshine. All this hard work paid off! The cat who did the modeling is now sleeping in his hidingplace after it managed to open the cabinet where you store your cooking ingredients and rolled in the flour and dropped the vase your great-great-great grandmother gave for you. This all after you tried to catch him for another picture. Give up and enjoy the only good picture you have. Go and wash your cat from the four and decide to tempt the faith by taking one "funny" picture of your wet cat. By some programming error or by the hands of higher forces, you loose the only good shot you got and this picture of wet cat replaces it.
15) Go to google and search for a professional to take pictures of your cats. Place an add to eBay to sell your camera to work as a paperweight. Feed your dear cats and remember never to have such a good ideas to take pictures of them.

~ Lilith the Mighty Minikitten


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wonderful. Taking great photos of cats is not as easy as people might imagine.